Infant Fit- Why I am in Better Shape Than All Of You.

For the past few week, my fathers has been talking about this activity called Crossfit.  Apparently Crossfit is a really intense workout program he self-indulgently uses to keep in shape.  Hearing him talk about this fitness activity it becomes abundantly clear that the whole thing can be described in two words: cultist and overrated.  To be honest, my opinion is not just for Crossfitters, it applies to pretty much anyone and everyone over the age of two weeks.  From Yogis and Triathletes, to hikers and Zoombaers, all non-infants brag about their method of physical prowess.   When moronic adults discuss their extra-curricular  purposeful movements, they inevitably boast that their method is the most difficult, the most effective and ultimately, the key to obtaining a body like a newborn who partook in 5,000 umbilical cord skips each gestational day.  Hearing these so-called athletes yap about their various “strenuous” activities, I think to myself, “Wow what a bunch of ninnies.  (I was reprimanded by father for employing another word that start’s with a P, apparently it is offensive.)  Do these people have any idea what fitness really is????”

Look, every morning I am obligated to CRAWL up Mount Everest and K2 just to eat.  That’s right, two massive mountains.  Again, that’s crawling, not walking.  Oh yeah, I do this all without the benefit of extra oxygen.  Sir Edmond Hilary ain’t got shit on me. Oh wait, upon summiting these massive peaks I celebrate with some… lip ups!  No champagne baths in this man’s world.  That’s right, I rep out 1,000 lip ups upon summiting each massive mountain.  Yes, for those who are confused, no arm’s needed in my world, I can press 75% of my bodyweight with just my lips.  Impressive, obviously!  I may look like a shriveled old dude -- but I am a Ridder.    

Okay, I get it, so I summit the two highest peaks in the world, and while at these extreme altitudes pound out countless body weight lip ups, but to those apathetic souls who still remain unimpressed- try this on for size.  Once I complete the above mentioned feats, I don’t replenish my energy with a Gatorade or a Power Bar.  This stud does not have time for that laziness.  Instead, I use my remaining energy to develop and tone my abs.  Sit Ups?  Hah, that’s for wimps.  If you really want to develop a six pack like Mark Walberg in the 1990’s, you must hiccup for an hour straight.  And at the end of this parade of hiccups, a strong, forceful imitation of Old Faithful from the mouth really pushes those abdominal muscles to max.  Needless to say, I think it is high time that people recognize that their method of fitness is, well, pathetic.   My name is Anderson Thomas Ridder, I do Infant Fit and I am badass S.O.B.  Challengers???